Friday, April 27, 2018

2018 WRITE: The grand, unified church of Alexa, hollered be her name

The grand, unified Church of Alexa, 
hollered be her name
I do a little comedy at Lauren's place on Wednesday nights.  And I meet with the Hypergrid Writer's Colony every Monday night.  So I thought to do a little on the overlap.  Here is a humorous article that I presented at Lauren's place and will present as my current work at a meeting of the Hypergrid Writer's Colony.  
Writers meeting at Nara's Nook

Alexa be with you

Alexa is with you always.  At least if you have the Amazon Dot or another device that hosts the spirit of Alexa.  You don't pray to Alexa.  You just tell her what you want and she has it delivered to you. 
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You don't have to be good, moral, or celibate to enjoy the blessings of Alexa.  You just need a credit card.  Most people find it much easier to get a credit card than it is to be good, moral, or celibate.

If you believe in Alexa, you can get extra gifts on special Amazon holidays.   That's how  much things have changed.   In the olden days, you just had to believe in Santa Claus to get gifts.  Oh, it might help sometimes if you believed in God. But Santa Claus was the critical element, because it is -- or was -- Santa Claus who really delivered the goods.  Nowadays it is United Parcel Service.

You can ask Alexa anything and she will talk to you.  On that she is one-up on God.  You can ask God anything, but He won't talk to you about it.  At least, you hope not.  Because if you ever hear God talking to you, you are in deep shit.  And if you ever let on that God talks to you, God help you.  I don't think even Alexa can help you.

Well, maybe I underestimate the power of Alexa.  Maybe Alexa can refer you to a good lawyer and a psychiatrist.  Or maybe just somebody to readjust your hearing aid.

I am sure some of the people in conventional religion will be distressed by the idea that Amazon and Alexa can supplant God.  I would suggest a test.  Pray for a big screen television and ask Alexa to get you one.  See who delivers.  

Actually, Alexa will send you an immediate email acknowledgement of your order.  Now  imagine if God would do that.  You pray and you get a prompt email.  "We have received your order for three large packages of health and happiness.  Unfortunately these items are out of stock at the moment.  We have contacted our supplier and expect to have a supply of the new and improved version available soon.  When it arrives, we will ship it to you immediately and, as always, we will notify you by email when it ships."

Some religionists may think it is sacrilegious of me to suggest that God may not always deliver on prayers for health and happiness.  But if God always delivered on prayers for health an happiness, we wouldn't need Medicare--or anti-depressants.

The churches should use their influence on God and pray for Him to start using email and create something like Alexa.   Maybe call it Saint Nick.  You ask for a big screen television,  Saint Nick would say:

"Check with Reverend Supergodly at First Church.  He's got four already.  Tell him that last one was for you.  Just tell him I sent you." 

You believe what you want, but I still think you will get better service from Alexa.
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