2013 WRITE: Meet Letitia Sludberry (Comedy Script)

Meet Letitia Sludberry (Comedy Script)

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Letitia Sludberry 

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Background
Lady Letitia Sludberry (Comedy Character)
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Cast:

Letitia Sludberry (Let) in Green Room

Master of Ceremonies (MC)  --
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Scene:  Entertainment stage, MC at Center Stage 

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MC:  We were expecting a brief appearance by Older the Elder, but I have been told

that he is indisposed.

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Let:   (From Green Room)  He’s not indisposed.  He is drunk. 

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MC:   (Surprised)  And who are you?

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Let:    I am Letitia Sludberry.   I live next door to the Elders.  I am here to explain the absence of that old slob.

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MC:   Letitia Sludberry....  May I call you Lettia?

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Let:    Certainly not!  I am known here as Lady Sludberry. 

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MC:   Very well.  Ladies and gentlemen, we are delighted to bring you a guest

appearance by Lady Sludberry.

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Let:    (walking in from green room to center stage, bumping MC aside.)  It is my

pleasure to greet your audience.  I am here to bring decorum, dignity, and gravitas to this gathering.

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MC:   Lady Sludberry is apparently here to replace Older the Elder.

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Let:    Replace?  I would as soon replace yesterday’s garbage!  I am merely here to

explain the absence of Older the Elder.  He is drunk again.

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MC:   But we were expecting him to do a brief appearance.

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Let:    He is indeed staggering around in his briefs.  But you do not want to see his

appearance.  Oh!  What I have to put up with living next door to him!

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MC:   You are his neighbor, then?  Where do you live?

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Let:    I live in a retirement facility.  Mr. Older lives in squalor. 

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MC:   What about his wife?  Surely she tries to be a good influence on him?

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Let:    She tries.  But he has male pattern deafness.

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MC:   I have never heard of that.  What are the symptoms?

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Let:    He is unable to hear anyone tell him what he should do.

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MC:   Do you know the Elders well?

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Let:    I know Older much too well.  He is one of those people that you dislike on first

encounter and later learn to detest.

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MC:   And his wife?

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Let:    His wife Martha and I get along quite well.  We have much in common.  Older, for

example. 

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MC:   You have Older in common? 

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Let:    Older has himself in common.  The most common trash I have ever known.  My

late husband excepted, of course.

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MC:   Oh.  Your husband has passed away. Let me extend my sympathy.  

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Let:    Passed away?  Dead?  Not that I know of.  Just went out to buy cigars a while

back.  Late getting back.

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MC:   My!  How long has he been gone? 

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Let:    Three years, I think.  Maybe four. 

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MC:   Three years?  What do the authorities say about his disappearance?

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Let:    I don’t know.  I have never asked them. 

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MC:   But surely you filed a missing persons report!

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Let:    Surely not!  I don’t miss him at all.  Martha told me I should let sleeping dogs lie. 

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MC:   And what did Older say?

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Let:    You must ask him.  I will not repeat his language.

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MC:   Well, let’s get back to his wife.  Did you say you had many interests in common

with her?

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Let:    Yes, indeed.  We both are out gardening in the morning, so we have much to talk

about. 

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MC:   Oh, you have plots for gardening at the old folk’s home?

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Let:    At the retirement facility!  Letitia Sludberry would never live in an old folks home! 

But, yes, we have small plots where we often raise herbs and flowers. And Catnip.   Of course, Older lets his dog run loose to annoy me and my pussy.  That terrible dog just loves to chase my pussy.  I hate to think what would happen if that dog got hold of my pussy!

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MC:   (Urgently) Well, changing the subject – since Elder is not here, are you interested in doing comedy?

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Let:    Certainly not.  I am here to bring decorum, dignity, and gravitas to this gathering.   There is far too much levity here.  Living is a deadly serious business.  

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MC:   (Rushing to close the dialog) Well, thank you for dropping by, Lady Sludberry.  Give Older our best wishes for a fast recovery.   

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Let:    Martha will get him sobered up soon.  She is used to dealing with drunks.

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MC:   (Moving toward the Green Room) The Green Room is this way, Lady Sludberry.

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Let:    (Exiting to Green Room) I was glad for the opportunity to entertain your audience.  I’ll be back.  

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MC:   (Returning to center stage, addressing audience)  Let’s hope Older stays sober for a while.   

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